Bleeding the Turnip

I’ve talked about this before. The monies requested to learn all there is to writing. How to writer an eye popping query! Sign up here for 199.00. An Open Hour For Agent Queries here for only 299.00. What’s a synopsis? Learn how to describe your book in one page, for 350.00 The Blank Page. When you can’t start the story of your dreams? We’ll help you for a one time payment of 299.00. Point of View and Character Building Workshop – 499.00. And my favorite: Where has all my writing time gone? 20 Week Course 599.00.

And then, one day, before, during or after your educational bonanza, they say, “For a more in-depth interview with your character, I suggest you purchase Randall Rhubarb’s book, Gestures and Jocularity.  18.99 at Baker’s Books.  Do you see my point? Everything has a price tag. A price tag that, since I’m not a pro, is out of my price range.

There are conferences that are costing up into the thousands, workshops that can empty your wallet for almost the same amount. Travel, hotels, meals, etc. And I would love to do it all. But I can’t.

I’m married and every time I bring it up I have a husband that says it’s a scam. This whole writing thing is a great way for people to make money. They sell a couple of books and all of a sudden they’re Professor English.

I guess I’ll just have to unpack all my 40 year old English Class papers. Everything should be the same, right. I’m sure that nothings changed. Well, at least I’ll be saving a hell of a lot of money when I do.

Here’s to writing,

Doree

 

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K.I.S.S.

Do you recall the saying ‘keep it simple, stupid?’ Or k.i.s.s.?

I do. I don’t remember how many teachers, in English or Art class, that utilized this particular acronym, reminding us that the simpler we make our sentences or our masterpieces, the easier it is for others to understand or evaluate it. Make it hard or in need of dissection and some say ‘forget about it,’ and move on.

Okay, no problems there. I was raised on the great literature of Fun with Dick and Jane. I can’t remember how many times I was entertained with “See Spot run.” But that doesn’t mean I don’t love to sink my teeth into a great read from Tolstoy, Clancy, or King.

The other day, this sentence was brought forth on my facebook page: 

Mouthful, right? I read it twice and thought that whoever would put something like this in a book isn’t looking for me as a reader. I wouldn’t bother finishing this one, no way would I buy another one. I read for entertainment, not for brain stimulation. But, some people do, and if they want to read something with sentences like this in them, I say all power to you. It is a legitimate sentence. I would have given it the K.I.S.S. rule, but hey, that’s just the way Dick and Jane rolled.

Doree

They Can’t Do That

Her blue eyes rolled across the room.
The wall sat in front of the kitchen.
The clock read four-fifteen.

As I’m reading I sometimes wonder, “Gee, can they do that?”

In reality, no. In writing licensing, no. In other words –
Her blue eyes can’t roll anywhere without assistance from the owner of said eyes. Therefore, this should be written as “she rolled or scanned her eyes across the room.”
As for the wall, only in a haunted house can a wall sit. This is an inanimate object so place it in your description. They’d built a wall in front of the kitchen area. (I’m not saying the tables didn’t dance – you have a couple of vodkas on the rocks and you can hear the curtains sing, for all I know. But the reader can’t and since it’s not an everyday run of the mill set of curtains, don’t have them sing.
And my favorite… I love reading about clocks that can read. I’ve yet to hear this, but it would seem that several writers have experienced this phenomenon.

Experience an adventure, read a book today!

Doree L. Anderson (doree.anderson@gmail.com)